Well, its been a while, heres whats happened:
January was okay, I finally got on T, that has been going great. I was having more ADHD symptoms after starting T that made it hard to focus on reading. I had tried a new Desktop Environment on my laptop, what I use to write this blog, and that screwed my laptop up, which made me lose all motivation to use it, so it sat in storage for a few months.
In February, I think, is when I started reading again, I flew through The Vampire Lestat, I listened to How to Keep House While Drowning with my partner, I got through Consent of the Networked, but it took a few weeks. That book especially frustrated me, because even though it had some really good information and takes, it was written by a white, female, american journalist for CNN, so her point of view was very Capitalist and Colonial, which was frustrating for me, I had a lot of critical note in the margins of that one.
A History of Russia was really interesting, at the same time I was reading it I was attempting to get through Everyday Life in the North Korean Revolution by Suzy Kim, but I lost interest in the book and have yet to pick it back up, but the comparisons of the Russian Communist revolution and the North Korean Revolution was very interesting to me, and I do plan to finish the book this year. I absolutely flew through Queen of the Damned, it's probably my favourite of the Vampire Chronicles so far. Malcolm X was a very good and interesting read, it definitely challenged my perspectives, and the casual spoken language the book is written in makes for a very easy and engaging read, my only gripe with the book was the sexism! Which is why my next read (aside from The Body Thief) after it, the one I just finished today, was The Will to Change, A fantastic book, as always, bell hooks manages to keep her writing accessible, and yet still very potent. She never fails to challenge and change my views of the world, Ain't I a Woman changed my thinking for the better, and this book is only continuing that. The Tale of the Body Thief was actually kind of disappointing, especially compared to Queen of the Damned, but it was still entertaining, Lestat's inner monologue never ceases to be a source of amusement.
Now, for the non book updates....
In mid March, my partner of 2 1/2 years was diagnosed with cancer. This threw our entire lives out of whack. Shortly after the diagnosis we got married, mainly for legal purposes, so I could take FMLA to take care of him during his treatment. He has had 2 surgeries, a bone marrow biopsy, and several other tests, and hes set to start chemo next week.
Neither of us have had much rest since his diagnosis, this is my first real day off in weeks. I'm mainly writing this to help myself process all that has happened and my feelings on it. I have never been good at sitting with my uncomfortable emotions, after reading bell hooks I think this may be due to me trying throughout my life to emulate what is expected of patriarchal men in the hope I would be allowed to become one. It has always been easier for me to analyze my feelings, to pick them apart, rather than just feel them. Feeling intense negative emotions makes me uncomfortable, so I do everything I can to avoid it, even at the cost of my mental health.
Being in therapy has been helpful, I'm not sure how I'd handle all of this without it. My therapist has been really helpful in reminding me to take care of myself in the midst of all this, as it is my instinct to completely forget myself and my needs in favor of others, especially in times of crisis. She has also been helpful for coming up with strategies to do hard things, which have only gotten harder since all of this started, I have so little energy for anything, even things I enjoy. She also reminds me to sit in my emotions, to take time to process and feel my feelings. Speaking of, that is what I'm supposed to be doing now.
I have felt emotionally exhausted, as well as physically exhausted, I have felt lonely, I have felt scared, I have felt angry, I have felt hurt, I have felt guilty.
I know how to do crisis mode well, I did it for years, but it is no longer sustainable long term for me. I can still be clear headed in the moment, keeping track of hundreds of pieces of information, but I can't keep it up for months, I've barely been able to keep it up for the past few weeks. My main support, the one I lean on, my only real friend, has been diagnosed with cancer, he is going through his own emotional journey, as well as a very taxing physical journey. I feel awkward and guilty when I try/want to talk to him about my own problems, which makes me feel lonely.
I would usually just go find the support I need from others, but for one, I don't have time to anymore, and for two, I am scared to build connections with others, because my husband requires monogamy, and my natural way of connecting with others is antithetical to monogamy, so I feel unsafe to build connections with others in ways that feel genuine to me within the confines of our relationship agreement. This is something I have talked to both him and my therapist about at length, and no level of assurances or explanation of limits has been helpful. I don't feel safe to build connections with others because I am afraid they will jeopardize the most important relationship I have, and its not like I'm necessarily looking for other sexual partners, though with him going on chemo and everything, the decrease in sex will be tough on me, and it already has been, I don't really have much of a desire to have sex with others, moreso I have just been craving sexual variety, and he has been unable to provide. but even aside from sexual exclusivity, the level of intimacy I desire in relationships, even friendships, is deeper than most monogamous people are comfortable with their partners having with someone other than themselves, and again, no level of assurances otherwise have been reassuring. I don't feel like I'm allowed to build relationships in a way that feel s comfortable to me, and even if I did, I would have no idea where to start. Most of my friends previously, before my current partner, I met through dating apps, but I cant do that anymore. Going out to places? When? I work 3rd shift, I'm only awake at night really, and I don't drink, so bars are just awkward. I've gone to a couple queer events, and made the start of some connections, but I have no idea how to deepen those safely, without putting my marriage at risk. And so I feel lonely.
I've felt scared, not just of jeopardizing my relationship, but also of how the chemo will affect him, affect our relationship. I'm scared of the consequences of the cancer and its treatment. I'm also scared of being stuck in a loveless marriage, unhappy and unsatisfied. Before we were married I felt like I had the freedom to cut ties whenever I needed to, and now I can't get away that easily, not that I really want to leave, but now it feels like I don't even have that option. I'm scared that I won't be able to stay in this relationship long term because I don't think I can survive a long term monogamous relationship. I think I need polyamory to be happy, or at least the freedom to be polyamorus.
I have felt angry for a lot of reasons, the main one being anger is an easy place to put other feelings. I have been angry at my job's FMLA policy, because it is incredibly stupid, and poorly explained. I have felt angry because it has felt like when I say or do or feel in the same way my partner does about things, I get told, either directly or indirectly that it is not okay for me to express those things, and it feels like a double standard, like I'm supposed to be an unfeeling rock for him to throw himself against. We did have a conversation about this, and it has helped him to realize the ways he has been doing that, and to correct it, and it hasn't really been an issue since. I've felt angry that he seems to get irritable over the tiniest things, and when I express my own needs, if they are contrary to his desires, his comfort, he gets snippy or pissy, it feels like I am expected to bend over backwards to accommodate him, at my own detriment. Even when all I am asking for is some time alone, if he wants my attention, then my desire to be alone is unacceptable, and he must make that known to me by slamming doors and throwing things. It is exhausting and frustrating, it makes me feel even more alone, and it makes me feel like I have to anticipate his wants and needs to avoid punishment. This has also caused a great deal of hurt. Though I know a big part of this is that my perception of the situation is skewed because of my own trauma, I take things like a door closing a bit louder than normal to be an expression of anger at me that I am supposed to find the source of and soothe, I don't have to do that with him, that is not what he wants or expects of me in those circumstances, he is simple expressing his frustration at the world, in a way that triggers me.
I don't think I have much more to say right now, hopefully I can actually keep up with this blog. I want to, I do, but with everything going on, I'm not sure I'll have the time or energy. So it may be a few months before you hear from me again. So long.